Sunday, July 17, 2011

A love worth dying for...

So yesterday I found out at two in the morning that my Kinder Garten puppy love which lasted up until the third grade actually killed himself because, get this, he and his gf broke up. I later on I was informed he used a gun to and shot a bullet through his head. I still can't believe it though well, we were not close and the last time I saw him, he applied for the company I was working in 4 years ago but he didn't make the cut. He was with his gf and I guess I just forgot about him all this time. I especially made a blog about him because I guess he was one of my earliest childhood memories. My first crush, my first kiss, technically, my first boyfriend. Yup I had a bf when I was 5 years old but I didn't really understand what it meant back then. He just told me during recess, "You're now my gf" and I said, "Sure, as long as we break up when we go home!" and he said, "Deal". I still talk about the time when he kissed me I went home crying because I thought I was going to get pregnant and my mom laughed at me and said you don't get pregnant through a kiss. (Well, duh I was 5) I still remember we used to call each other on the phone when our parents didn't know. I remembered the digits still. Anyway, I can't believe he is gone. Do you know that feeling that you know there something that has been there your whole life and you don't really notice or care about it until it is gone? Well I guess this is that feeling I am getting right now. I guess I was used to his memory being someone from my childhood, that I just thought I might see him as I grow old probably laugh out the memories and just be friends or maybe not.

I never communicated with him after we graduated grade school. We went on to separate roads of our life and apparently he cut his way short...I can understand how much pain his parents are probably feeling right now as they lost their only son and for what? A girl. A girl, I heard, broke up with him after 7 years of being steady. I don't know what happened and I am not in the position to judge. I mean, you can't be forced to be with someone, right? Damn at the age of 25, we still are in that steep climb up the mountain of life, not knowing where to go , meeting new people, choosing careers, or to start a family and that's where the adventure lies and there's so many beautiful things in life that he won't be able to see or experience anymore. It is already too late.. he just had to make it too late.

I wondered the whole day, what was he thinking when he was holding that gun? I can imagine he was probably crying, shaking, almost at the point of puking. He probably thought, "It's over.. My life has no meaning." As he pointed that gun through his forehead, was he thinking, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." I think his parents must be devastated now. They really love him. Back then I remembered saying to myself, "Wow, He's so lucky he has parents who really cared about him." They always picked him up at school and he always sat in the middle of their jeep so he won't fall off. I am not a stalker but I will say I actually still remember the plate number. (Well maybe a little bit) When we carpooled to school, his mom would always give him his bag and lunch and kissed him goodbye. I was a bit jealous because my parents were both working so, usually, the maid was the one who made sure I got to school on time. Did he think about them at all? How they would feel if they lost him, did it cross his mind just one bit.? When my nephew died, it was only then I found out that when you die, everyone left here will spend P250,000 at least for your wake and burial not to mention the grief. Did he even consider that? I guess so many questions popped into my head, I will never get the answer.

The million dollar question is: "Was she worth dying for?", he clearly said yes. How can anybody who cost you your life be worth dying for? Anyway, it's a rhetorical question, no one should answer that. No one is to blame but him, he pulled the trigger, he chose to bail out and life goes on. She will move on. His parents will move on. I'll move on after I publish this blog. But him? He'll just be another memory with a bitter end.

I plan to visit him at his wake but I don't know where. I'm waiting for some of my friends to update me. It wouldn't be proper that I would not be there to say goodbye. Goodbye old friend. I'll say a little prayer for you tonight.. RIP "MRD"

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