If you're like me when it comes to relationships then probably you've dated a lot and I have dated a lot. I met guys in all the wrong and all the right places and have regretted most of them but a selected few I can actually say meeting them was a pleasant experience. Some made me feel like summer, some made me feel like hang over, some guys were just there for experience, some were just plain there. I don't deny the fact that I fall easily probably it's because I do believe the one for me is out there maybe I've found him now but I don't want to expect too much at this point. Things change but that's not what I want to blog about. I want to blog about people who bring out the worst in you. As my friend terms it, "Loving a monster".
It's human nature for us to show our best side especially when we are with people we just met. It happens when you are dating this cute guy or girl the first time. You make sure they find you as interesting as you want them to think and make sure that you always have a "good time". However, I think most would agree with me that once you are in a relationship with this person, you enter in to that level in the relationship where you're too comfortable with each other that the barriers and inhibitions are gone. You start showing the real you, you start voicing out your opinions more, disagree with them more and even fart in front of them. Imagine yourself in the position of the other person. She/ He is saying to him'herself "What happened? Who is this person? This is not who I went into a relationship with. Why doesn't he open the door anymore? Why doesn't she sleep with me more? Why are we arguing more?Etc." Well reality check, either they lost interest or that's who they really are. We know this ourselves that once you just let go of your best side, your real side shows up and that other person might not like it. Hence, that's mostly the reason why relationships fall apart and lovers tend to grow apart.
So how do we know? We don't. Being in a relationship means you are joining another person, another human being, who grew up differently from you, who has a different life and thinking, into your life. You can't always make them adjust to you because they can't always make you adjust to them. You know very well who you are. Marriages work because they live in the same house, eventually their lives will intertwine and things are easier to accept. On the other hand, marriages fall apart because no one in the relationship will accept reality and wants to stick to the "ideal" (e.i. the time when she wasn't this fat, the time when he wasn't bald, the time when we used to have a lot of fun now, we're just boring, the time when we had money, etc.)
So what we need to do is throw away those idealistic views about someone and a relationship and accept them as they are. Being in a commitment means you are there even if it is not your comfort zone anymore. If you really can't take it anymore, be honest at least and leave the other party in peace, hurting yes, but in peace.
The worst of it is when you fall for someone who just gives you that love-hate type of relationship which probably most will not understand. My advice, let them go. They don't deserve you at your worst, when they were only with you at your best. I say that because at your worst, is the time you will grow, is that best time in a person's life to change and be transformed. After that, whoever stayed, is the one who is for you. However, a caveat if you may: Never do anything you know you would never do later on if you had not felt that way. Remember, any love, hate, anger, bitterness or happiness that you will feel right now will pass but the regret will last a lifetime.
Showing posts with label break ups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label break ups. Show all posts
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Would you rather be the dumper or the dumpee?
I have some time to spare before hitting the sack. This post is not about giving advice, it's just about your preference and reasons why some people choose them.
In relationships which are at the twilight of their existence, you are either the dumper or dumpee. Dumper, meaning you are the one who suggested or initiated the break up, "The one who left" or Dumpee, meaning you are the one who consented or "the one who was left". In my experience, being either of the two is never a pleasant experience. Being the Dumper, you have to deal with the reaction of the other, the guilt-trip and the regret later on. Being the dumpee, you have to deal with the rejection, bruised ego and the after-break up stress. Aside, from the usual "Alcohol-induced coma" that some (ehem) often self-inflict after a break-up, post break-ups are always nasty and it usually takes months to recover. They involve a lot of issues and a lot of head ache (usually caused by a hang over lol). Kidding aside, people have their own way of coping, it doesn't matter if you were the dumper or dumpee. You undergo a lot of self-searching and adjustments in that period of time after just getting out of one and the duration usually depends on the length of your former relationship especially if you were in a very long relationship that lasted for years.
Of course, speaking of post-break up eras, people cope depending on the reason they broke up. If there was a third party involved, then you would certainly be dealing with more issues which are more on your level of security with yourself if you were the dumpee. Questions like, "What's wrong with me? What was my fault? Why did he/she replace me? Am I ugly? Am I fat? Was I not good enough?" keep coming back in your head. For the Dumper side who has found someone else, don't expect them to be hung up over you. They have moved on and so should you. That's the reason why they chose someone else in the first place. Of course, I'm not saying there is no adjustments on the Dumper's side. Dumpers who chose another over their current relationship usually deal with a different type of adjustment. You were with another one day and another on the next. Of course, you tend to compare both at some point. Even risk that you will notice and regret that the former was better than the next. Either way, it was the choice that Dumpers are entitled to considering that relationships are about mutual agreement.
I know some people who would rather choose to be the one who will get hurt than the one who hurts another and usually they would do things to induce the other person to break up with them. They justify it as "it's awful enough that I fell out of love, I can't bear hurting her/him in the process." I think it's wrong though. If you are in a relationship with someone, be honest with them. They deserve it because they have been with you for so long and it would hurt more if you take it slow with them. Like that song that goes:
Anyway, if you ask me, I fight for the relationship until the end. I'm the martyr type of girl and as much as I would like to be the DUMPER, I usually end up being the DUMPEE. I think it's better for me to really get over that person if I know he had the guts to hurt me that much. Of course, I'm the type to give second chances but second chances are one too many so if they hurt me again, I think it's bye-bye time. For one thing, I know my worth but I also know relationships are worth fighting for if you still love that person. I would go through heaven and hell for someone I love and I have done so and will keep doing it again since I guess I never learn. :)
In relationships which are at the twilight of their existence, you are either the dumper or dumpee. Dumper, meaning you are the one who suggested or initiated the break up, "The one who left" or Dumpee, meaning you are the one who consented or "the one who was left". In my experience, being either of the two is never a pleasant experience. Being the Dumper, you have to deal with the reaction of the other, the guilt-trip and the regret later on. Being the dumpee, you have to deal with the rejection, bruised ego and the after-break up stress. Aside, from the usual "Alcohol-induced coma" that some (ehem) often self-inflict after a break-up, post break-ups are always nasty and it usually takes months to recover. They involve a lot of issues and a lot of head ache (usually caused by a hang over lol). Kidding aside, people have their own way of coping, it doesn't matter if you were the dumper or dumpee. You undergo a lot of self-searching and adjustments in that period of time after just getting out of one and the duration usually depends on the length of your former relationship especially if you were in a very long relationship that lasted for years.
Of course, speaking of post-break up eras, people cope depending on the reason they broke up. If there was a third party involved, then you would certainly be dealing with more issues which are more on your level of security with yourself if you were the dumpee. Questions like, "What's wrong with me? What was my fault? Why did he/she replace me? Am I ugly? Am I fat? Was I not good enough?" keep coming back in your head. For the Dumper side who has found someone else, don't expect them to be hung up over you. They have moved on and so should you. That's the reason why they chose someone else in the first place. Of course, I'm not saying there is no adjustments on the Dumper's side. Dumpers who chose another over their current relationship usually deal with a different type of adjustment. You were with another one day and another on the next. Of course, you tend to compare both at some point. Even risk that you will notice and regret that the former was better than the next. Either way, it was the choice that Dumpers are entitled to considering that relationships are about mutual agreement.
I know some people who would rather choose to be the one who will get hurt than the one who hurts another and usually they would do things to induce the other person to break up with them. They justify it as "it's awful enough that I fell out of love, I can't bear hurting her/him in the process." I think it's wrong though. If you are in a relationship with someone, be honest with them. They deserve it because they have been with you for so long and it would hurt more if you take it slow with them. Like that song that goes:
"But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie / I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye / I'd rather take a blow at least then IBut I'd rather you be mean than love and lie / I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye / I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know. But baby don't you break my heart slow"
Anyway, if you ask me, I fight for the relationship until the end. I'm the martyr type of girl and as much as I would like to be the DUMPER, I usually end up being the DUMPEE. I think it's better for me to really get over that person if I know he had the guts to hurt me that much. Of course, I'm the type to give second chances but second chances are one too many so if they hurt me again, I think it's bye-bye time. For one thing, I know my worth but I also know relationships are worth fighting for if you still love that person. I would go through heaven and hell for someone I love and I have done so and will keep doing it again since I guess I never learn. :)
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