This point in time i can honestly say i am humbled. I used to think i was strong thay nothing can surprise me and that aside from when my beloved nephew became an angel, i would never feel that devastated again but i was wrong. Take away a warrior from their comfort zone and give them a battlefield they are not used to fighting in and they will crumble. I started this year with such fear of my future and i was scared of failing myself but because i had my family and friends to support me and love me as myself no matter what happens made me want to make them proud of me. Most of all, it's true that you only have God to draw strength from at times you are truly alone. As i was packing my stuffs to be shipped back to cebu for when i come home, i just knew it, i'm no longer afraid. Whatever the outcome is, i control my future and i know i wanna be happy so that's where i want to go. I will fulfill my dreams and be happy. Starting from moving out, getting a job, saving money and enjoy life and look forward to the future.
I will junk all the drama in my life only happiness and optimism.
I will no longer talk or think of people who are causing me negativity.
I'll love more and care for my family and friends more.
I will not date someone unless i know he is the one.
And no more casual flings.
I will be a better person than who i am now.
Eat right, sleep right, travel more, read more and do all the others things i didn't get to do when i was in a couple and at the same time in law school. I want adventure and i want to fall inlove.
Love. The next time it comes biting me in the ass, i won't take any chances.
I thank my partner, bhadz. I wish that he finds his happiness, i wish more it is me. However, if it isn't me i'm going to be happy for him and i hope by that time i would have found mr right as well if not i won't give up.
To my former paramoure.. I'm happy he's happy. I cried for the last time when i thought of him. Sadly, it just wasn't meant to be. I wished and wished that it had worked out but that's life right? I wouldn't have met bhadz and had this desire to better myself if i had stayed in my comfort zone. If he didn't break my heart i wouldn't have to become stronger and learn to love myself more. Everything happens for a reason.
Bhadz asked me to assure him i will forget my past love but i can not promise. Call me a hopeless romantic but i really did love them. I loved the two men of my life this past 5 years. For a time, they were everything to me but my mom was right that because of this give all attitude that i have, i am setting myself up to get hurt. Yes, i got hurt but i learned so many things as well and it got me wiser.
Panakip butas? No, bhadz wasn't one. When i met him, i didn't plan to fall in love with him and have a relationship but it ended up that God has a way of messing with my plans because he kew there was something better. It might be a relationship with an expiry date and possibly earlier i may have made an implied date as to when this will terminate but i guess i'm doing this for a good reason. To continue to keep him in my life as a friend. Bhadz is a good person, i hope he can see that because i owe him for seeing the best in me at my worst and most vulnerable.
Beb, thank you.. I love you.:)
Friday, October 26, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
People say to me, "grabe you're strong". Yes, i'm strong like everyone else but i get hurt like everyone else as well. I do know when a person approaches me as a friend and then whispers when i'm out of ear shot. I do know about how some judge me because of this and that and some stories are just exaggerated and funny and yes, i have long since accepted that i am not going to win ms congeniality anytime soon so i resort to ignore this as a normal everyday thing. I am not popular but i am also not infamous for hurting people and stabbing them in the back. Sayang to these people whom i have considered as colleagues for a long time but they look at me with such disdain because i fail to PLEASE whatever standard they set up for anyone their highnessess want to oblige their friendship with. We could have been friends all this time. If we can't be friends, let's not be enemies. Ignoring me when i'm directly talking to you or acting like i'm not in the room is just plain gay and immature when i don't even know what i did wrong to this person. It's too late to build bridges now though. All i wish is for them to leave me alone at this moment and ignore me like i'm ignoring them. As much as it is amusing to watch them waste their time talking and analyzing me, remember that we're all supposed to be highly-educated people so stop acting like mga chismosas and chismosos na tambay sa kanto coz u sound just like that to the people who are reporting your hurtful words to me. Funny, you say you don't like me because i'm not at your level but i'd rather stay where i am than go down to yours!;) tsup from jane garci!
Things that i have learned so far. If you feel like you are on the verge of breaking down because you feel like you have lost everything you shouldn't, cry a river, build a bridge and move on. Because that's what people do, they move on. Never give up on life, your dreams, sanity, hope, love and most of all never give up on God. Do what you need to do to let it out but don't forget to let it go until you eventually wake up and realize you're finally okay. If it still feels wrong, you haven't let it go. Give it time. Don't mind the judgmental people that surround you and tell you what you should or shouldn't do to make yourseld feel better jus because your methods are below their standards. Who are they for their standards to matter at all? They might know the story but they don't know what you've been through and what you had to do to heal the wounds some people, event and trauma left you. What's important is you love yourself enough to allow yourself be imperfect then mold yourself into a better person. Remember, you are a dream yesterday and a reality today.