A love worth dying for...

So yesterday I found out at two in the morning that my Kinder Garten puppy love which lasted up until the third grade actually killed himself because, get this, he and his gf broke up. I later on I was informed he used a gun to and shot a bullet through his head. I still can't believe it though well, we were not close and the last time I saw him, he applied for the company I was working in 4 years ago but he didn't make the cut. He was with his gf and I guess I just forgot about him all this time. I especially made a blog about him because I guess he was one of my earliest childhood memories. My first crush, my first kiss, technically, my first boyfriend. Yup I had a bf when I was 5 years old but I didn't really understand what it meant back then. He just told me during recess, "You're now my gf" and I said, "Sure, as long as we break up when we go home!" and he said, "Deal". I still talk about the time when he kissed me I went home crying because I thought I was going to get pregnant and my mom laughed at me and said you don't get pregnant through a kiss. (Well, duh I was 5) I still remember we used to call each other on the phone when our parents didn't know. I remembered the digits still. Anyway, I can't believe he is gone. Do you know that feeling that you know there something that has been there your whole life and you don't really notice or care about it until it is gone? Well I guess this is that feeling I am getting right now. I guess I was used to his memory being someone from my childhood, that I just thought I might see him as I grow old probably laugh out the memories and just be friends or maybe not.

I never communicated with him after we graduated grade school. We went on to separate roads of our life and apparently he cut his way short...I can understand how much pain his parents are probably feeling right now as they lost their only son and for what? A girl. A girl, I heard, broke up with him after 7 years of being steady. I don't know what happened and I am not in the position to judge. I mean, you can't be forced to be with someone, right? Damn at the age of 25, we still are in that steep climb up the mountain of life, not knowing where to go , meeting new people, choosing careers, or to start a family and that's where the adventure lies and there's so many beautiful things in life that he won't be able to see or experience anymore. It is already too late.. he just had to make it too late.

I wondered the whole day, what was he thinking when he was holding that gun? I can imagine he was probably crying, shaking, almost at the point of puking. He probably thought, "It's over.. My life has no meaning." As he pointed that gun through his forehead, was he thinking, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." I think his parents must be devastated now. They really love him. Back then I remembered saying to myself, "Wow, He's so lucky he has parents who really cared about him." They always picked him up at school and he always sat in the middle of their jeep so he won't fall off. I am not a stalker but I will say I actually still remember the plate number. (Well maybe a little bit) When we carpooled to school, his mom would always give him his bag and lunch and kissed him goodbye. I was a bit jealous because my parents were both working so, usually, the maid was the one who made sure I got to school on time. Did he think about them at all? How they would feel if they lost him, did it cross his mind just one bit.? When my nephew died, it was only then I found out that when you die, everyone left here will spend P250,000 at least for your wake and burial not to mention the grief. Did he even consider that? I guess so many questions popped into my head, I will never get the answer.

The million dollar question is: "Was she worth dying for?", he clearly said yes. How can anybody who cost you your life be worth dying for? Anyway, it's a rhetorical question, no one should answer that. No one is to blame but him, he pulled the trigger, he chose to bail out and life goes on. She will move on. His parents will move on. I'll move on after I publish this blog. But him? He'll just be another memory with a bitter end.

I plan to visit him at his wake but I don't know where. I'm waiting for some of my friends to update me. It wouldn't be proper that I would not be there to say goodbye. Goodbye old friend. I'll say a little prayer for you tonight.. RIP "MRD"

Short Story: Remember me...

This is a short story I made, dedicated to a good friend who passed away at a young age. If he could talk, if he could tell us now what he thought, he might have said this:

Where am I? I can't feel anything. I'm trying to familiarize this place through my senses but I can't see, hear, and feel a thing. I can't even smell anything, is my chest even moving? I'm not even breathing. Everything is so unreal. I don't know what happened. I'm scared. It feels like a very long way from home. I don't know the way back. I remember going to the beach with my friends. Though we were bummed out at first because I recklessly took the wrong turn and we got lost earlier, every one seemed to be having a great time afterwards. Jonathan, my best bud was making one of his corny jokes, he usually does things like that to mask away his frustration. We've known eachother since we were 5 years old. We went to the same highschool and college. I guess you could say, we've connected in more ways than one. He was trying to impress this girl in the group, Tanya. I don't really know her, she just broke up with her boyfriend so I guess that's the reason why she's being oblivious to Jonathan's moves on her. I was trying to tease them but Jonathan gave my a light punch on the groin. We usually kid like that. I remember looking at each of the faces of my friends. There was Laurence, he's a DJ. He's the type of guy who would give up a very-high paying salary to do the job he loves and he's Jonathan's usual laugh trip companion. They both share the same humor. Beside him was Maggie, his girlfriend. Me and Laurence have had this strange relationship since they became a couple and the reason was obvious. I used to love Maggie but because of one way or the other, she found her way into his arms. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and Laurence is being a sport about it too. It might get some time before the awkward feeling will lift between us three. Charlisse was sitting beside me and I was holding her hand. We've been dating since March. She's beautiful with a slender body. I couldn't quite say I loved her. I just enjoyed her company, she knew how to have a good time. We laughed and ate as if there was no tomorrow. I remember eating a lot of "lechon" and I remember taking a stroll at the beach with Charlisse enjoying the view of the horizon. We enjoyed the picnic but sadly, then it was getting late. Too late...We decided to head home. As we were packing our stuffs, that's when we heard it. A scream of a woman. Me and Jonathan went to check it out and ran towards her. She was pointing at the waters, "Save her! Save her!" A little girl was in the water, frantically trying to stay afloat. She was probably 9 or 10 years old. I had the most experience, so I was confident. I was a swimmer back in college and I worked part-time as a lifeguard aside from working for my mom's native goods business. I wanted to save up for a new laptop. I wish I was at least able to buy that. Without a second thought, I dove into the cold beach waters and swam towards the girl. I think Jonathan followed me, but I didn't look back. I had to save the little girl. Everything was so fast. I saw the ocean, the white foam I was making from all my strokes. I was still hearing the screams of the woman on the shore, pleading, but it was getting weaker as I swam far from her to the little girl. I remember reaching there grabbing her hand trying to stop her from struggling. I looked back, Jonathan did follow me, as I gave her to him to take her back to shore. I was swimming to get back back when I felt a sharp pain on my leg. I couldn't move it. Cramps? Me? I never got one in all my years of training in swimming. I used to swim three times a week. My weight was pulling me down. I tried to swim up but the pain was too much. I managed to break from the surface to scream for Jonathan's help. Anybody's help. But they were all crowding at the sight of the little girl being carried by Jonathan on the shore. No one noticed me struggling on my own. Fighting the ocean to save my life. My body gave way. My energy was running out. I let out my last breath of air and let the water enter my lungs. I felt a heavy pain on my chest and everything was pitch black.

I wish I could go back. There were a lot of things I wanted to do. My mom, who will take care of her if I'm gone? I was the eldest in our family and my Dad left us for another woman when I was 12. My sisters were still 10 and 8 years old. I'm sorry mom. I had to leave, it wasn't my choice. The last 24 hours of my life was nothing special. I always thought, you would experience signs. A warning would have been nice. That morning, I fought with my mom for a stupid thing as cleaning the car. I hated doing that but mom always makes me. If I were given a chance, I would clean the car everyday, if I could only go back. As for my Dad, I was no longer mad at him. I forgave him a long time ago. I knew he regretting doing what he did but my mom would not accept him anymore. I remember afterwards picking up Charlisse. I was still pissed off but somehow seeing her face, made my mood lighter. Before meeting our friends, we went to a nearby hotel and I made love with her. Love? I never used to say that word. Did I love Charlisse? I thought I would never fall inlove that easily but I guess loving her was easy. She had a great personality and she got along with my friends. I wasn't able to introduce her to my mom yet because I think it was too soon. If only I can hold her hand again. If only I could tell her, I did love her. I would introduce her to my mom, to my sisters, Becky and Ina. Who's that crying? It's so loud. It's a guy. Jonathan? Whoa, he cries like a girl. I haven't seen him cry so hard for anything. Was it because of me? Because I'm gone? Jonathan, you're such a sissy. We're always bad boys for life bro! I'll be waiting for you at the other side. Facebook? Oh yeah. My last status was "All that we are is what we thought" Sheeze if I had known that was my last status update, I would have put on something wiser. Sorry everyone. I think I'll be going ahead. Thank you for sharing my last moments with me. Please move on. You're all in my heart. If I could say to you just one thing right now, I love you.