Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The candy man..

Being used to not having you by my side is different with my heart not having u in it. It still hurts when i think of you, talk about u, i am still afraid to see you, i still feel it is wrong to be with another not you. I am hoping but i am angry. I gave up but still want you to try. Everyday i wake up knowing i will never hear you call me, i'll never hear you ask of me, i'll never hear you fight for me because you don't love me. It saddens me because in a heartbeat at any given time, as long as i know you are mine and mine alone i shall fly to you with out question. I forgot my dreams and hopes because i cannot forget you but i am trying God knows i am. No one knows this. No one will ever know. For in this secret carries with it my destruction, my devastation, my downfall... You are the sweetest. You are my bitterness. You.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

An open-letter to my ex: The truth

I read this article which caught my interest. The author wrote about sending an open-letter to an Ex-lover. A lover they hadn't heard from, whom they are not in good relations with. I thought about my first boyfriend, whom is happily married now and with a son and realized it is true that through time, he and I established a new connection, though not like before, at least this time we are connected. However, which leads me to write about HIM. The one I have written about but I have never gotten to publish anything and if I did I had deleted the posts. Why? Because I know somewhere out there, he would find a way to twist my thoughts and manipulate it to his own benefit and I would never want that. Although I know I gave him the satisfaction of knowing he broke my heart, I already found it in myself to forgive myself for that and never again will I go back to that same road of me falling in love with him.

I don't actually remember the relationship anymore there was nothing really to go by. He never told me anything was wrong, he just disappeared. The best moments we had was when we actually broke up and he tore my heart to a million pieces. I never reconciled with him and I guess I became angry at him for his mistakes.

For the past few months, I have decided to be alone, single and isolated from my friends and family. I wanted to build a new life for myself. Primarily, I wanted to build a life far away from what could have been if we were still together. I didn't want to regret and I didn't want to hope so I got rid of any chances I might have to feel those feelings by just staying away. It's been two years since that fated day, when I cried and he was just cold. It's been two years of difficult struggle for me to face the rejection and face the world alone. I thought I was going to die but here I am still living and concentrating in fulfilling my dreams. I only needed time.

The time has come for me to make my own open-letter. To that someone who will never read this because I will never send it. Not anymore.


I remember that I sent you a million texts and a million letters not one you have replied to. I realized how overly attached I was and maybe just maybe it drove you even further away. This time I am writing to you a letter and don't worry you will never read this because I will never send this. If you do get to read this, I guess it's because you must be wondering how I am and let me just start it off by answering that question.

I'm fine. As of the moment I am writing this letter, I am perfectly fine. I made a drastic move and I cut my hair. I am in between jobs, literally since I just resigned from one post and going to start another this coming 17th of March. I'm still single as of the writing of this letter and if you are wondering why, I can't answer that. I haven't fallen inlove yet. I dated but I guess nothing really true came out from that. So thank you for wondering how I am. I can't say I feel the same since I am not wondering how you are. If I was, I would have looked at your facebook or asked around but I did not.

With that said, I don't know what is going on with your life. I cut off all communication with you, with your friends and family. I haven't seen your face, the last time I did I blocked the person too. Why? Because I really don't want to know. Why? Because I don't want to remember you. Why? Because I am still angry at you and I can still feel the pain you left me and seeing you remembering you through anything that reminds me of you makes me feel like the person I was when you left me. The person I worked so hard to kill. That needy, weak, heart-broken woman that drove you away and was the cause of why you and I are no friends right now. I think maybe you did what you did was because I couldn't get it. I couldn't get that you were over me and that your love has passed. I'm sorry not to you but to myself. I didn't deserve that torture. I should have let you go the many chances I had but I held on too long and it ruined me.

I'm sorry to you for giving you the burden of breaking my heart. You must have carried that for a while. I was not your responsibility but I bet you received shit because of it. But why did you do it? Why did you have to make it hard for me? Why did you have to humiliate me? To subject me from public ridicule. Why didn't you just leave me alone? Why did you allow the love to turn to anger? I was already healing. I was already moving on. But why did you have to do what you did? What was your reason? I will always deserve to know.

But I guess I should thank you. Being angry at you made me heal faster. It replaced the pain to determination. Determination of being better than that love-sick woman I became. I actually don't know what's the point of making this letter. All I know is I miss you. Yes, I still do. I miss who you were or the person I thought you were. Back then, you were the last person I knew would ever try to hurt me but right now, if someone would ask me, "Who would have a grudge against you?" I will only answer no other person but YOU.

I am a firm believer you hate me. You hate me now just as much as I hate you and I know you will ruin me if you can since I will ruin you if I can. If only for revenge for what you did. I miss who I was when I was with you. The naive girl who believed in love. Who believed in the goodness in someone I have learned to love. Now, I doubt. I doubt every guy who came into my life after you and all of them deserved it. I miss who I was because ignorance is bliss. I'd rather be hopeful than cynical. I'd rather fight than surrender. I know it was my choice. It didn't have to be this way however, the one good thing you taught me after that fated day was to always protect myself first. I was too vulnerable with you.

I don't know if someday I will find that feeling again. Can I return to believing love is out there for me? I know you don't care but you're still reading this letter so I'll make you read things you would rather not. I guess it will come when everything is as it should be. As for friendship, I don't think it was ever possible to begin with. Why? Because you don't make fools out of your friends and certainly you don't stab them in the back when they were already hurting.

I don't wish you well. I don't wish you love. I wish karma strikes you hard. I still wish that which means this is not a letter of reconciliation. Hopefully some day, I will find my answers and this anger will go away since I already know why you had to come in my life and break my heart the way that you did. If that will never come, I am afraid I will never stop being angry at you so it is better to stay away. As far away form you, your toxicity, as possible, so I can focus on my self and finding the answers.

Finally used to not having you in my life,