I woke up with a horrible sensation. A bad dream perhaps, a nightmare that summarizes all my fears and insecurities. I don't know where i'm heading. I'm too damaged to function properly. I am because i let it. I realized i have become too dependent on my temporary relief. Lust disguised as love. Easily shattered. He has his own life. We can't continue on this fantasy as it is clear as daylight that i want something more than he can offer. Maybe he gave it already and i am just fooling myself. Maybe this is what it plainly is, an affair. I'm too confused because i am still hurt with my reality, if given this is fantasy, that i am still broken with my last relationship. I can't trust him as much as i can't trust myself not to fall and not to wish.
What have i done?
In my attempt to not be alone, i've never been so lonely. I came here, far from home, hoping to have some clarity and focus but i'm too distracted. Everything is just falling apart with a foundation built to be with someone who didn't want a part of it. A part of the mess.
I am glad he is happy yet i am selfish that i want his happiness with me. I wish someday to heal and be happy alone and not depend on others. However, time is running out. I don't want to be alone.
Where do i go from here? Take the short path and stay on the same course or take the long road to happiness where i find myself and take time for myself? God, please, show me the way.