Sunday, June 17, 2012

Closure after the closure with someone from the past..

Because i was such in a dark place lately, early morning i messaged the only person who came into my mind. My ex.. Yep. The guy i've been talking about before this recent one. He has a family now and a wife. I don't know what came through me. After i sent him the message, i gave him my number, at that time i thought i could ask for his advice as he was a very frank guy as i remember him to be. It was only really after i pressed that sent button that i realized the mistake. I could have been branded as an attempted home wrecker! My conscience killed me and i knew was gona get into trouble.

He replied he was busy but Expectedly, it was his wife/gf who messaged me and asked if there was anything she needed to know. I called her and expained my intentions and apologized and just told her not to allow him to call. Damn.. I involved other people in my problems! I'm really going insane. The guy which took forever for me to get over with after he dumped me for this current girl (whom he has a kid with!) The situation looked bad for me, i know.

However, the mistake turned out beneficial. The girl wanted to chat with me and we did. I guess she was really curious about the relationship between us. I just answered honestly. The least i could do for being stupid.

For the whole afternoon until midnight, we were just texting, awkward of course but i felt she needed this as well. Plus that i appreciate how she didn't chase me off which she could easily have. Until finally, it was time for him to call. The conversation was short i guess he was limited that she was also there. Could i have made it more awkward than that? Almost opened a well-buried can of worms but told him ignorance is bliss. Also, i took the opportunity to tell him i felt mad at what he did before for badmouthing me with people when we had a good break up. I even have the chat saved where he promised we'd be friends after two years and i gave it 3. He asked why i suddenly wanted to talk to him. Well, i just thought maybe it's time to forgive eachother for everything. I think that really settled that story now.

I learned that healing takes time. I can't believe now i can talk to him and his gf like it's normal. Of course, i would have to consider boundaries. Have to text the girl instead of him directly lest i will be misconstrued with my intentions. I honestly feel good after talking to them. Back then, the drama between us was at a different level which lasted years. Mainly because a lot of people kept delivering stories and issues with eachother and him, being tactless, just fueled the fire.

I'm only happy to be able to tell him directlty and calmly, (after almost 3 years!) "Don't ever assume i'm not over you!! It's obvious my world didn't stop cz we broke up" haha it was a long time coming.

I should do the same now. Come to think of it, my situation with this ex was worst than the current. But i got through it fine. I've fallen and crashed twice now, i should reflect on not falling so easily again.

I also considered him still a special part of my life, and i think he does still mainly because of the past we shared. Was thinking, would my current ex think of me like that considering that i really fought for him? Or would that disappear because he pitied me that i loved him too much. I wish he would still consider me in the future as a friend like how this ex did but i guess i can't expect much from him. He was never the live-up-to-your-expectations type as i said in another blog.

Someday, i will return the favor to all those people who helped me in this important time. Yes, including my ex and his family. For now, i'm concentrating for the bar exams i can't afford putting any more energy on this.

I get weak everyday, i want to call him, tell him i love him but i shouldn't. I can't and mustn't. I wanted to ask his comfort but he never gave it. So i have to give it to myself. Allow myself to express the pain rather than keep it. It's too much to bear alone.

So tomorrow, i will go back and study the crap out until my brain bleeds of legal infornation!:)) although my heart is broken my life won't end! I promise you that!

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