Monday, May 7, 2012

A chat with my first love..

#fb had a short yet interesting chat with someone earlier. Gosh can't believe my first love is married and has a kid. Amazing how I used to be so in love with him at that time I thought letting him go was the hardest thing I ever did. Now, hearing him having his dreams of a family and a girl who'll hold him down came true I'm just so happy for him. Three important things I learned from him currently 1) saying good bye is easy letting go is hard, 2) time will heal the wounds and it starts with letting go and 3) you know you are completely over someone when they no longer have the ability to hurt you but what remains only is the familiarity of still knowing each other intimately yet without all the drama anymore. If there is hate, there is still love. If there is still that invisible wall that makes them different from how you treat others, there is still some feeling there. I thought about looking back and regretting some of the wrong things I've done during that relationship but he was right when he said I shouldn't because he thinks I was God's gift to him and that I was the right girl in the wrong time for him. I don't know if it's true, maybe he was just patronizing me but I liked the idea at the same time I felt blessed! When you've spent a long time with someone because you have strong feelings for them and you manage to preserve the friendship even after a long time they were gone from your life, then you've found gold and that was what he was to me, my precious gold. What I loved about him was that he never disrespected me. He was honest and he was just someone I never had any complaints with. He was a gentleman and he was just my first love literally. In short, he was the one guy who breaks your heart yet made it stronger. I call it "the first love magic" and I don't know how to explain it beyond that. I think it's because he never really disappeared even though he has this nasty habit of being absent for a looong time! Years even! One thing is for sure, the first love magic took years for me to feel it's effects. I don't know what was with him, why he was still very nice to me though I may just be "just another one of his ex-girlfriends" for him, why he would still bother being my friend even after the relationship was over and not just any friend mind you but he is still a very close friend. I thought about all this then I stopped over analyzing and just said to my self "Yep, that's one ex I will never regret loving". It got  me to thinking again, every girl who has ever had a relationship will always look back at that relationship and will probably forget all the memories they ever shared. What remains is you remember how they made you feel. There are those, like him, whom you never really got rid of from your life because they made you light and happy. There are those whom removing them from your life was the best decision you ever made because all they gave you was headache, betrayal and heartache. There are those, a girl looks back to and says "what if". I've had my fair share of those, mind you! (hahaha) Love? I don't know if it's for me at this point in time. I sadly don't want to prioritize it. I still have something important to accomplish though I miss having that giddy feeling of being with someone you love and loves you back I'm not planning to get that old feeling back soon. I guess if there is an addiction, for me, that is my heroine. However, I will say this and mean it: I like singlehood. It doesn't mean I'm saying No to all relationships. I'm just saying I now want to be with the person that I am 100% who will give himself fully to me as I will for him coz I think I've proven twice already that when I love, I never gave any reservations to myself. I'm always going to be the "easy girlfriend" where a guy never will have to worry about me because I'm the easiest to love. I'll love even to the point of being destroyed to an almost impossibility of repair. Some think me crazy yet I still believe it is the right way to go. That is why I don't want to jump into the next opportunity that comes my way. I want something sensual, passionate, consuming and most of all  lasting this time and I think I want to wait for fireworks not just sparks. Have I grown? I'll only know in time. For now, love and life will just have to wait for me in November then in the years to come. I need to fulfill my dreams first then think about dating and continue my search for Mr. Committed later. (Lol) Oh well. Good luck to me. I'm still hopeful about it. I thank God I'm still young and I still have an opportunity to correct my mistakes and change myself for the better that I didn't get stuck in a situation that I feel like I don't have a way out of. Going back to my handsome ex, I'm genuinely happy for him and is only jealous as to wanting to feel that way as well... someday. I think it will be nice to say "I do" to someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I don't know if I'm mature enough for that but I know I will be. For now, I still have a lot to fix and do I'm far from getting there. I told him this and he gave me the best line a first love magic can only give you and you'll believe it, "I know you won't be alone. God will find a way for you. Just sit back and relax". Hahaha Thank you for the chat, Jok! When did you become so mature?Since it's you I'll take it from your experience. til next time. :D

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