Friday, May 4, 2012

Stages of moving on..

Have you ever experienced a heartbreak? Have you ever lost someone you love? Do you love someone who does not love you back? Did you just get betrayed?

Being hurt is natural. If the person meant a lot for you and then suddenly they leave you h anging of course, you get confused and the first instinct that comes to you is to fight for the relationship. At times, yes, fighting for it will work but if the other party has made up their mind or worse they have found someone else to replace you, this will open you to a lot more feelings you never thought you would ever experience. You can never tell your reaction during that moment. Even the best ones fall when it comes to love and moving on is as hard as not breathing. Trust me, I've been there and I'm still there. If there is love, unfortunately, there is no easy way to get rid of your feelings of them. You probably are wishing now to forget everything because the pain is unbearable.

Well, you know what? You are not alone.

No matter, how much you think your situation is different from the rest of us, think again, being hurt, heartbreak and pain, everyone has undergone it and everyone has a story to tell. Most lived through it, some never got over it, some chose to end their lives because of this and that's what I made this blog for. To help anyone who is experiencing these things and don't know how to move on.

A friend of mind showed me this blog and it talks about the stages of loss and grief. The blog is applicable to those who lost their loved ones to death.

I have my own version on steps for moving on when it comes to heartbreak. Either because of a third party or your partner just left you because they "fell out" or you broke up with them for one reason or another, these stages are essential to moving on. So if you are still in a particular stage in your opinion, then do not worry, you are moving on. It's part of the process.

Stage 1: Denial Stage

In this stage, people react differently. Others would pursue the other person believing there is still hope even if they left them behind. They would offer their love "for free" hoping the other party would eventually realize they are the best people who will love them and come back to them eventually. Those who were the dumpers would pretend the other party never existed to a point of complete indifference. They ignore the other party, not even try to look at their pictures or any of their social media accounts. Usually the dumpers, don't want to excessively entangle themselves with the dumpee but sometimes since they are usually the pursued, they don't want to tell the dumpee off, enjoying the familiar company of the other party still but don't want to commit to them anymore.

The denial stage is the first stage. Some undergo this for the weeks and some months and rarely, years. The main reason why it takes them so long to pass through this stage is because of the lack of realization they are in denial. They don't want to accept it's over or rather they want it over too soon.

Stage 2: Bargaining Stage

"I should have done this..."
"I could've done better.."
"If ever she/he comes back to me I will/I will never..."

If you ever had these thoughts or anything of the same note, then you are in the bargaining stage. Some would even try to bargain with God, by going to church to pray and petition the other partner to come back and pledge to be a better Christian or whatever religion they belong to. The bargaining stage is the one where you start laying with fate. That you try to look back in the past and try to undo it by making it up for the future. Some would do things like give flowers because they never used to give flowers before when they were still in a relationship. Some would kill themselves with regret blaming themselves for their inadequacies that cause the other partner to leave. Those who were the dumpers would pursue flings and vices that they never got to do while they were in a relationship. They do everything to take their minds off the other party, whom they left behind. They act like they just got "out of the cage".

The bargaining stage is the stage where you want to pursue different and new things which you think might or could have changed the relationship.

Stage 3: Grief Stage

This stage is the time when you are finally realizing the other party is never coming back and the relationship is truly over. You start mourning for it and drown yourself in tears. Especially when you finally realize that there has already been a physical separation between the two of you as compared to before that you used to see each other every other day. Both dumpers and dumpees experience this. Of course, the person was always with you and they became a part of your day, suddenly their absence overwhelms you and you realize you have a lot of time in your hands.

If you are in the grief stage, the void is usually filled with time spent not alone. You want to constantly hang out with your friends. Some drown themselves in work.

The first two stages usually are a cycle. The grief stage is the key to proceeding to the next step. If the person never stopped to grieve for the lost relationship or the lost loved one, they might find themselves back in the denial and bargaining stage. So allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to feel the pain and allow yourself to let it all out and do not deny yourself comfort. Whether in the arms of your friends or family, grief is the most essential stage one should go through.

Stage 4: Anger Stage

Do not confuse the anger stage as the stage when you felt angry right after your breakup. The anger stage is when you truly realize your pain is unwarranted. That you finally realize you've done everything for the relationship and you didn't deserve to be left or didn't deserve to have to break up with them for one reason or another. Of course, you entered in a relationship because you wanted it to last but because of the other partner it didn't. The anger stage is important, allow yourself to be angry at the other person. They hurt you and you love yourself so it's natural to protect yourself from the pain. When someone slaps you or punches you, you get hurt right and you get angry at them for doing so. If you have already started valuing yourself more than the other person, then be angry at them. Do anything to let anger out. The theory is the nearer the time you broke up then the more you are entitled to be angry at them. It's only because they hurt yoou that you are angry at them. Don't worry, anger will pass eventually.

The anger stage usually last for a short period of time. If you are angry at that person let them know. It feels good to let it out, no matter the consequence, let them know how hurt you are and how angry you are at them. Tell them you hate them even if you don't really do, shout at them, scream at them, send them hate texts or mail. I would recommend personal time if you can get them to meet you. The more you let it out, the better you feel later.

Stage 5: Acceptance Stage

When you have finally accepted the loss of the relationship, you won't have any more feelings towards this person. The acceptance stage comes very slow depending on how fast or how slow you underwent the stages if ever you allowed yourself to undergo the stages. For a lot of people, the acceptance stages is proportional to the time you had a relationship with the person. Which means, the longer you were in a relationship with the person, the longer the tie you need to accept that they are gone from your life. Usually married couples who got separated will have a hard time accepting the end of the marriage and still fight ever now and then especially when they still have too communicate every now and then regarding affairs that got intertwined because of the marriage like the kids, house and bills. Remember if two people still fight, they still have that familiarity with each other and never truly accepted the loss of the relationship as they haven't cut off that feeling yet. If truly, you have accepted the end of the relationship, both parties will no longer want to engaged in fighting and treat eachother cordially. If you are still indifferent and angry with your ex and/or still treat them differently among other people in your life, you are still not over them.

To move on, you have to completely let go which means no communication with your ex and if you still are, you no longer try to analyze every message and call, no more trying to analyze why you broke up, no longer trying to make each other miserable, no more feelings towards your ex except the fact that they were a part of your life and you can no longer change that. Acceptance is allowing yourself to be happy which may orr may not mean finding a new love. I always recommend (but don't usually follow my own advice) that people should stay single for a long time after the relationship, not because you are not over your ex, but allow yourself to get rid of the baggage or else your next partner will suffer. Allow yourself to undergo these stages of moving on. Its when you make that first step and decide for yourself will you truly be able to stop the pain faster and get through it faster.


  1. Moving on is easier said than done. And as easy as it sounds, it sucks the good in you, like a vampire, bringing you through the worst phases of your life, like grief, uncertainty, heartache, and vulnerability. But like you said, time is a healer.
    Love the post!

    1. we have no choice but to let go..:) thanks for the comment..