Thursday, August 5, 2010

My roller coaster love life...

Well, I'm supposed to be studying right now but procrastinating me just cannot concentrate. I stumbled upon my old blog site in Xanga. I was like OMG! I totally forgot about most of these posts! This was like one of those blogs I buried deep inside my subconsciousness and almost lost in the graveyard of blogs in the web that I don't remember writing them and also I can't remember the feeling I had when I was that girl 6 years ago. One thing for certain about me then, is that my love life was the center of my attention like any normal teenage girl. ROFL.

My style of writing definitely has not changed. As I read on, I realized how easy I was to throw away the word "Love" and how I thought at that time, it was love that I felt. I couldn't have been more wrong. I wish I could just go back and tell myself that. I fell in-"love" at least 3 times with different guys in the life-time my old blog and wrote about them and I even said their names or nicknames there.(posted chat messages, memorized conversations and even swore a million times not to fall inlove again) I remember my summer love when I was 18, who suddenly disappeared and whom I never heard from for almost 5 years. :P He was my best friend and until now I still don't know what happened. Whatever the reasons, there's no room for "What ifs". I'm glad we finally become friends after so long and I realized I miss that friendship so much. I read some of his old comments in my old blog, most I have forgotten. It's nostalgic. I can still say he was my "Sweetest goodbye, one u will always remember and most pleasant hello again" :P

I put the word love in quotation marks because that's the word I used in my old blog. Now that I'm older and presumably wiser now in that aspect, I know that what I felt then was nothing compared to the true test of love that I felt just in my recent past. I assume all of us goes through that stage. We were young, we fell, hormones kicked in, romantic movies and books take their toll and we think that everything we felt even for a short time was love. I was young and naive and so I cut my former self some slack. (16-18 years old) Anyway, I sounded like I had fun, I don't remember, I probably felt so serious about it back then, only my subconsciousness knows.:P Right now I certainly was amused reading them again. It's like watching TV, I used to be so melodramatic. (still am) haha. My friend Tina was right, I am "in-love with love" and my old blog proves it, not that falling in-love more than 3 times again after that was not evidence enough too.. hahaha

I wonder why I never got tired of it? How, even experiencing the worst of the worst about the feeling love, I still cannot say I have stopped trying to give my heart away? The longest relationship I ever had just shamefully burned down in flames and yet I can never say I was bitter for long about love despite the fact it should have left an awful taste on my mouth. As I write this, I am in-love again but this time I'm certain, he is the guy I will marry. If I'm wrong and I read this again 5 years or more later I would probably say, I'm in-love again that time too. But I know my feelings for Laurence now is nothing short of true but regardless the outcome, I think I'll never tire of falling. It feels so good.;)

I wonder why I ever stopped blogging? Why did it take me so long to come back to blogging about my feelings as a mode of release? I apparently used to do it all the time and now I think because of facebook I lost interest in it. I don't know really whether or not to delete my old blog. I think it is a shame for me to do so  but it's kinda embarrassing now to myself. hahaha I'd love to have some place for my thoughts for me to come to later on probably in 10 years if this blog gets abandoned by my "pul-anon" self again.:P

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